Rivet Your Readers with Deep Point of View
Hello, everyone. Welcome to the workshop on Deep Point of View. I trust you’ll come away with a grasp of a skill that takes a step beyond the basic understanding of POV.
First of all, let me introduce myself. I write under my full name: Jill Elizabeth Nelson. My reason is simple, the domain name Jill Nelson was taken. I write romantic suspense for the “inspirational” market. Two books in my To Catch a Thief series—Reluctant Burglar and Reluctant Runaway—have been released through Multnomah Publishers, an imprint of Random House. The third releases in January under the title Reluctant Smuggler. If your curiosity is aroused, your can find out more at http://www.jillelizabethnelson.com/.
I was bitten by the writing bug in the sixth grade, when I penned—er, penciled—my first novel. Well, it was more of a novella, but I did finish it, and that’s a watershed moment for any writer. However, not a word of the manuscript still exists, and the world is grateful. Since then, I’ve worn the hats of poet, essayist, journalist, and short story-teller, but my favorite chapeau is novelist.
Now to begin the workshop. Our first lesson will cover basic POV information, and then we will move on to interactive lessons on Deep POV. Please read through the Lesson One material to help you identify the POV you are using in current WIP (work in progress). Here’s your first assignment: Please introduce yourself by your given name, initials, or Internet name, then tell us the genre book you are currently working on, identify the type of basic POV you are using, and feel free to post a question or make a comment.
I will post a fresh lesson every couple of hours in the comments section. Each segment will contain an opportunity for you to participate in discussion, carry out an assignment, or submit a sample of your writing for evaluation. Let’s dig in and have fun!
LESSON ONE: BASIC POINT OF VIEW
Some stories simply beg to be told in First Person, where the viewpoint character is “I.” A story told in first person requires that nothing can be heard, seen, or experienced except through the eyes of the character telling the story. However, a first person narrative does allow for that viewpoint character to skip ahead in the story, and make a comment like, “If I had known . . .,” because obviously this character survives to the end of the book in order to relay the narrative. An example of superbly handled first person narrative is Moby Dick. In contemporary usage, chic lit is often written in first person because the sassy voice of the central character can be so clearly portrayed. For excellent examples, check out books by Kristin Billerbeck. Many detective novels are also written in first person. Brandt Dodson has a wonderful series out in that vein.
Most books are written in some variation of Third Person, where the viewpoint character is “he,” “she,” or occasionally “it” (if you’re writing sci-fi or fantasy).
One possibility within third person narrative is omniscient point of view. Basically, this is a story told about a cast of characters by an all-knowing narrator. Rarely is this point of view done well, and never by a novice writer. By its very nature, omniscient point of view keeps readers at arms length from the characters, making it difficult for readers to care what happens to the people or creatures in the story. Not a desirable state of affairs for a novelist.
Another possibility within third person narrative is single point of view. This choice requires the author to remain inside the head of one character throughout the book. Single point of view creates an excellent opportunity for readers to identify with the POV character and thus be drawn into the story. A drawback is the limitation in what can be shown “on stage,” so to speak. Events that happen outside the POV character’s experience must either be told to him or her by another character or found out in some other way after the fact.
A more flexible possibility within third person narrative is multiple point of view, or telling the story from the viewpoints of two or more characters. This way, the reader can know more about what’s going on than what can be conveyed through the eyes of one character only.
A novice writer may attempt to use this POV to hop rapid-fire from one character’s head to the next. Thus the term “head-hopping”—in the literary realm, a crime nearly as awful as head-hunting. LOL. This method sows confusion rather than the intended goal of informing the reader of everything that’s going on in the scene. A few—very few—published authors do “hop” from one character’s head to another within the same scene. Even fewer do it effectively. Not a good choice for the unseasoned writer.
Multiple point of view works best if the writer limits the number of point of view characters to two, or at the most, three throughout the book. Any more than that and the writer again risks losing reader identification. Also, the writer does herself a favor if she remains in one character’s head for the duration of a scene or perhaps a whole chapter, depending on the flow of the storyline. A writer should master this technique BEFORE seriously attempting other types of POV.
Craft is a discipline as stern as boot camp. Those who are fluent in the rules are the ones competent to know when and how to break them. For the purposes of this workshop, I will speak as though we are all working in third person point of view, either single or limited multiple. The techniques of Deep Point of View work best in this environment.
Here’s a preview of what’s to come:
Lesson Two – What is Deep POV, and how will it help my writing?
Lesson Three – Examples of Deep POV contrasted with basic POV
Lesson Four – Telltale words or phrases that pinpoint places needing deep POV
Lesson Five – Submit segments of your work for teacher evaluation and class discussion
*These lessons will be posted in the comment section later in the day*
Jill Nelson
http://www.jillelizabethnelson.com
We CAN Promote Our Books! - marketing blog for writers - http://canblog.typepad.com/canbookmarketing/
Reluctant Burglar, Available Now!
Reluctant Runaway, Available Now! - watch a video trailer at http://www.jillelizabethnelson.com/tcatbooks.shtml
Reluctant Smuggler, January 2008Multnomah Publishers
36 comments:
Thanks Jill! This is exactly what I need to do to allow my reader to connect more with my characters. I'm going back through my manuscript now working on deepening the POV for 3rd person.
I'm trying out 1st person in my next WIP. I feel more connect as a writer using "I".
How do you decide to use 1st or 3rd person?
I'm looking forward to the rest of your lesson.
Hi Jill
Your first lesson was very interesting, it made me realise that I may be head hopping a bit, so it's back to the MS & see what I'm doing wrong & fix it.
I'm looking forward to the rest of your lessons.
Regards
Sandra
There is nothing worse than realizing you've head-hopped or done something in your writing that's changed POV. I'm looking forward in particular to deep POV. I'm writing an inspirational and a sweet romance.
Malvina
In a recent rejection I received, the editor said I needed to go deeper into the character's emotions. Your instruction will definitely help me do that. Thank you!
Welcome to the workshop on Deep POV, Ty, Sandra, Malvina, and Chicki. You're the early birds!
I'll post Lesson Two and Lesson Three together at 9:00 a.m. CT. But feel free to comment or ask questions any time.
Ty's question: How do you decide to use 1st or 3rd person?
I suggest a little objective evaluation and expiramentation. Try writing a scene in third person, then do the same scene in first. Which flows the best? In which scene are you, the writer, connecting best with your POV character? If you're connecting best in a certain POV, chances are your reader will, too. When you think about the story and begin rehearsing narrative in your head, does it come out in third person or first? Also, please consider which POV will allow you to tell the overall story the best. First person is very immediate inside a single character's head, but it can limit your ability to convey action that takes place outside that one character's experience.
Let me know if these criteria are helpful to you as you mull your options.
I'll be checking in frequently all day long to catch more questions.
LESSON TWO:
What is Deep POV, and how will it help my writing?
Have you ever read a book that drew you into the main characters’ minds so completely that you felt like you were experiencing everything in their skin? Didn’t that affect make your reading experience more intense? You knew those characters from the inside out. Every sensory experience they had became yours as well. Why? How did that happen? What did the writer do to gain that affect?
Here are some identifying characteristics of Deep POV:
Deep POV eliminates narrator distance. The reader will feel like there is nothing between them and the events in the story, much as if you were writing in first person.
Deep POV is always immediate, which makes it a particularly excellent choice for high action books or scenes. Or conversely, it is a wonderful way to flow in the psyche of the POV character during contemplative moments.
However, Deep POV is not a long string of internal monologue.
Deep POV does not use italics like direct thoughts. It remains in third person, but doesn’t feel like third person. Italics can still be used for brief snippets of direct thought.
Proper use of Deep POV will eliminate most, if not all, problems with show/don’t tell—a major bonus for any manuscript.
In order to achieve Deep POV, a writer must dig deep into their characters’ personalities and motivations. Deep POV will not allow lazy characterization. The better a writer knows her characters, the more compelling she can make her story.
Deep POV causes the “voice” of the POV character to sparkle and shine.
The expert user of Deep POV will know that there are times to “tell” a mundane event (such as the POV character driving to work) and the time to “go deep” when the real action starts. As in all things creative, there is rhythm and balance.
Deep POV works more effectively for some characters than others. A writer should reserve the most intense POV for the main character(s). Probably no more than two—the hero and heroine. However, a suspense writer may also wish to use the technique for their crazed villains. Scary powerful! An author that does this very well is Brandilyn Collins.
Can you think of any books you’ve read that exhibited these characteristics and that you now realize were written in Deep POV?
LESSON THREE
Example is often the best teacher, so in this lesson I’ll share “before and after” snippets from my debut novel, Reluctant Burglar. Karen Ball, my editor extraordinaire for this book, taught me how to take my hum-drum POV and turn it into Deep POV. She called it show/don’t tell, but the two techniques are so symbiotic as to be one and the same much of the time. As her instruction took root in me, I honestly wondered why the publisher bought my book in the sorry shape it had been. I look back on the process as a quantum leap forward in craft. Hopefully, I can pass the Ahah! experience to you.
Here’s a segment from my heroine’s POV before editorial revisions:
“May I look at the painting?”
“As soon as you sign this affidavit assuming responsibility for any damage your testing might cause.” He produced a pen and a piece of paper.
Desiree eyed the paper with satisfaction.
Plate was gambling that the threat of liability would deter her examination, allowing the original authentication to stand unchallenged. He must believe her credentials from the National Antiquities Society, or he wouldn’t try this bit of fancy footwork.
Here’s the published version:
“May I see the painting?”
“As soon as you sign this affidavit assuming responsibility for any damage caused by your testing.” He shoved a piece of paper and a pen across his desk toward her.
Desiree grinned on the inside. Gotcha!
Plate apparently hoped that the threat of liability might deter her examination, allowing the original authentication to stand unchallenged. The curator would try that bit of fancy footwork only if he believed her credentials from the National Antiquities society.
Compare the two sentences:
Desiree eyed the paper with satisfaction.
Desiree grinned on the inside. Gotcha!
Which one “tells” and which one shows, while conveying a clear sense of Desi’s sassy, smart, and savvy personality?
I’m not entirely happy with either version of the sentence that begins with “Plate.” I’ve grown since working on this first book and would now write it something like this:
Plate expected the threat of liability to deter her examination, allowing the original authentication to stand unchallenged.
I would state clearly how Desi interprets this action on Plate’s part without qualifying it with the wishy-washy “apparently hoped.” After all, we’re set squarely in her head and don’t have to water down what she thinks—unless she’s dithering over something—which she isn’t here.
Okay, now for one in my hero’s POV from the same book, Reluctant Burglar.
Before:
Tony closed his phone, frustration and fury surging through him.
So what’s wrong with this? Surging is a lovely strong verb, isn’t it? Yes and no. Any “ing” version of a verb waters down its power, but I’ve compounded the issue by “telling” the reader how Tony feels, rather than “showing” it in Deep POV.
After: (the published version)
Tony slapped his phone shut. If steam could escape out his pores, he’d be a toxic cloud.
Whoo-hoo! Now we’re right there inside him. No need to name the emotions. We feel that frustration and fury in our pores, too.
ASSIGNMENT: As a personal exercise, open a novel on your shelf to a random page and identify places where Deep POV is used effectively, or conversely, where it should have been used. Then look at your WIP (work in progress), and if you’d like, share a problematic paragraph or two, and we’ll work together to deepen the POV. Feel free to chime in with questions or thoughts about the lessons so far.
I will post Lesson Four around 11:00 a.m. CT.
LESSON FOUR
There are certain “red flag” words or phrases that signify when an author is “telling” and not in Deep POV. Do a search and destroy for these, and your whole manuscript will perk up.
He thought/she thought, or he felt/she felt.
These phrases are death to Deep POV, because they create narrative distance. The reader is now at arms length from the character. This is a common Deep POV infraction committed in many books you’ll find on bookstore shelves. Lift yourself to the next level as a writer by carrying out ruthless mayhem and destruction on that pesky little narrator commentary that stands between the reader and the POV character.
Instead of saying, “He thought a good bath wouldn’t hurt the dog,” write, “Whew! A good bath would do this dog a world of good.”
Instead of, “She felt a sinking sensation in her middle,” write, “Her stomach dropped to her toes.”
Exception to the rule: It’s okay to say he thought/she thought in dialogue.
Example: “He thinks the dog smells,” Betty said with a laugh. Or even better, “He thinks the dog smells.” Betty laughed. (Be sparing with dialogue tags. Use beats whenever possible. You can take that as a free side note. :-)
Here’s another big baddie that’s commonly used: He knew/she knew.
Instead of, “He knew that if she did that, she’d fail,” write, “If she did that, she’d fail.”
See how easy it is to clean up those tells and draw the reader deeper into POV?
Certain prepositions are often “tell” indicators that create narrative distance, such as with, in, or of. Here are before and after examples from Reluctant Burglar.
Before:
Desi’s skin prickled with pleasant excitement.
After:
Shadows loomed. The place reeked of ancient secrets. Desi’s skin prickled.
Before:
He lifted his chin with a hint of stubborn defiance.
After:
“I agreed to your examination of the piece to silence any doubts. I am confident your suspicion will prove unfounded.” He lifted his chin. (The reader “gets” the defiance by the combination of dialogue and action without having to be bludgeoned with the meaning. Isn't this much more powerful?)
Before:
She narrowed her eyes in comprehension.
After: (in the context of the conversation)
“What gives, girl? You don’t often get that look on your face. Like a cross between a mule and a bronco. Last time was when that hot Italian agent came around and . . . ohhhh . . .” She narrowed cat-green eyes, then laughed. “Tall, dark, and intense musta been hangin’ around again. And he missed you? What a hoot!”
And here’s another Deep POV killer—He saw/she saw (or smelled, or heard, or tasted, etc.)
Example: He could see the tip of the dog’s nose peeking out of the closet.
The sentence sounds okay, right? We see this kind of thing a lot in novels. So what’s the problem?
“He could see . . .” Congratulations, your character has an operative sense of sight (or hearing or whatever other sense in being employed). That’s all you’ve said with this phrase that neatly inserts the dreaded narrative distance. The fact that the character saw what he is describing is understood information—unless, of course, your character is blind, and then we’re dealing with a miracle!
Here’s a Deep POV variation on the example sentence: Barry stepped through the door and scanned the room. The tip of the dog’s nose peeked out of the closet. Ahah! He’d found the little critter.
Boom! Straight to the point. The verb is active, not watered down with the “ing.” And we’ve eliminated “could” and “saw,” which are waste-words in this context. If your reader knows whose POV the scene is in (and they’d better), why would you need anything more?
Now, I’ll let you absorb the information that has been presented so far. As always, ask questions any time. After 12 noon CT, if you feel comfortable doing so, please post a page or two from your WIP, and I will offer you a gentle, but honest critique for Deep POV and any other issues that may help you buff up that precious manuscript.
Jill:
What a tremendous workshop! I'm working on my first draft, which I must admit reads a lot more like your "Before" examples. LOL!
I'm almost embarrassed to post anything but I so hungry for the critique I'll take a shot. Give me a few minutes to find something not so embarrassing...
Going out on a limb here. This is from my current wip, the first draft.
Forgive me on the formatting. Not sure how to make it work correctly in this format. So I put spaces between paragraphs.
Patricia
-----------------------------------
Butterflies winging about her insides, Shelby paused before entering the hospitality suite at the Hilton. To keep the finalists under wrap until the winner was announced, LWP Magazine had arranged to have a private dinner away from curious eyes. She hated functions like this.
She smoothed the fabric of her eggplant-colored suit. Beneath the jacket, her pale yellow silk blouse peeked out, accentuated by the gold choker and matching earrings she wore. Tara had insisted on helping her choose her outfit as well as do her hair and makeup. She fussed and resisted but was now glad she�d given in. Tara had an eye for fashion and style she envied. Her curly hair lay in an upswept style, allowing her cheekbones to show, especially with Tara�s expert makeup job.
Sending her eyes heavenward, she took a deep breath and walked in.
The room blazed with the colors of the magazine�s logo: red for Live, gold for Work, and blue for Play. She prayed she wasn�t the last to arrive but it was hard to tell. At least she wasn�t first. Making a grand entrance is not my thing.
A short, paunchy gentleman walked toward her, a wine glass in one hand and the other outstretched in her direction.
�Irving Waters, CEO of NuView Technologies.�
She accepted his handshake. �Shelby Sullivan, of Life Support.�
�Oh yes, the non-profit finalist.�
She got the distinct feeling she�d just been checked off, sort of like paper towels on a grocery list.
�Excuse me?�
�You�re the not-for-profit organization. We�ve been trying to figure out what the criteria for selecting the contest finalist might have been. So far, we�re a pretty eclectic bunch. There�s you and I, the tech startup. Then there�s the fashion company, the entertainment firm, the retail store, the money management whiz, and the sports agency.
Did the rest of the finalists refer to one another by way of their businesses? Please God, don�t make me sit next to Mr. Tech Startup at dinner.
�I see. Then I guess, yes, I�m the non-profit. Sounds like I may be the only one.�
�Yeah. I don�t know if that puts you at an advantage or disadvantage.�
�For what? � Shelby retorted, her tongue moving faster than her brain and a lot less concerned about tactful.
�For winning, of course.� He grabbed a champagne flute from a passing waiter and handed it to her. She accepted it, taking a sip to steel her nerves, which had gone from anxious to irritated in less than sixty seconds.
�I wouldn�t know. I assume we all have an equal chance of winning.�
�Probably, probably. But sometimes it helps to figure out all the angles. With this dinner and photo shoot, I�m guessing we still have an opportunity to influence the outcome.�
A rail thin woman about her height walked into the room. Just as she was forming another retort, Mr. Tech Startup moved on. Thank God! She exhaled and chuckled to herself as she overheard, �So you�re the fashion company��
A few minutes later, she found herself listening in on a conversation between several out-of-town finalists about security-related travel woes. Positioned so she could take in the entire room, she noticed a tall gentleman standing at the front of the room, behind one of several long, rectangular tables, addressing a member of the hotel staff. His back had faced her when she entered but now as he turned around, she gasped.
Patricia,
I'm just passing through but your excerpt made me want ot read more.
Dyanne
What an abundance of information. This is my first time doing the blogging thing and this workshop and I am very much pleased!
Hi Jill,
What a great workshop just brimming with valuable info. Here's the first scene of my wip. I already see some deep pov problems, so have it. :-)
Kathy
www.kathyjmarsh.com
Scene 1
Just days after her mother’s miraculous recovery, fifty-five year old Aeryn Alexander forced herself to question the remarkable rally. Had it been the miracle many had claimed? Had it been the spontaneous act others had maintained? Had it been the medical mystery the doctors hadn’t been able to explain? Or had it been something else?
Today, however, as she trudged toward the Bedford Nursing Home, those doubts had yet to be born. Aeryn barely noticed the hot September air mussing her hair, or the thick grass turned brown, gone too long without rain.
She reached the front door and tugged at it with an arm suddenly weak before finding the strength to jerk the glass portal toward her. As Aeryn entered, a pungent odor—not rank, just laden with illness, with death-in-waiting—rushed her senses, and she took short, incomplete breaths. Her stomach clenched, threatening to disgorge its own juices. Stopping short, she took a deep breath while sending waves of “settling” instructions to her midsection.
After a few ticks of the clock, it seemed her stomach had listened, and Aeryn plodded on. She glanced at the nurses’ station when it came into view, but no attendants in white, blue, green, or any other color, sat there doing the things they do. The station’s emptiness fueled her sense of dread, and as she neared her mom’s room, her steps slowed. Hunching her shoulders and crossing her arms over her chest, she trembled like death had tickled her with cold fingers.
She’d awakened this morning with an almost overwhelming feeling that today would be the day. The day her mom would lay dead in her bed. The day she would cross the threshold and find another patient occupying the bed, her mom having been taken to the funeral home during the night, with Aeryn none the wiser. Knowing that was ridiculous, knowing she’d have to be contacted before any of that could happen didn’t make the thought less real, the fear less intense.
With tiny, almost silent steps, Aeryn rounded the door to find her mom, Miranda, still in bed, still attached to her morphine drip, still alive.
Relief surged through her, and she relaxed, her arms unfolding, her shoulders slumping. She pulled a plastic chair close to Miranda’s bed and sat with closed eyes, unmoving, barely breathing.
A moment later, Aeryn laid long, slim fingers on Miranda’s forehead. Skin—papery and cold—moved as if unattached to the head it covered while Aeryn smoothed away pain-etched lines. Tears welled; Aeryn tilted her head upward, unwilling to let another geyser begin. Her gaze latched onto the bright yellow walls that now mocked her. It moved to the drapes, a riotous mix of boldly-colored flowers on a paler yellow background that now taunted her.
Those things that today derided her had, just two months earlier, influenced her choice. She’d chosen the facility, not only for its excellent reputation, but also because of the warm cheeriness each room evoked. And today, as her gaze bounced from flower to flower, Aeryn managed to be grateful her mom had enjoyed it all before falling into a coma almost two days ago.
But the warm cheeriness, almost as if it had taken a cue from Aeryn, had become a sudden chilliness as it surrounded a desperate daughter clutching a mother’s icy hand. A hand shrunk skeletal because of inoperable brain cancer. It had taken the cancer only six months to decimate Miranda. She had gone from an independent eighty-year-old, with a vibrancy unusual for one of her years, to a woman with encroaching blindness, and Alzheimer’s-like symptoms. A woman Aeryn had found she could no longer care for at home. And now, as Miranda lay before her daughter, death clung to her like a second skin; a death so thick, Aeryn could smell it, could feel it, could almost see it.
She leaned over and kissed her mom’s forehead just as a groan escaped Miranda’s lips. Unable to bear another second of Miranda’s suffering, she snarled, “I wish this damn cancer would just go the hell away.” Though the declaration made Aeryn feel a bit better, Miranda’s grimace made it obvious it had done nothing to ease the pain.
Defeated, Aeryn reached for the button that would provide her mom a momentary reprieve, and as she did so, Miranda’s face relaxed, its lines smoothing as if an indescribable peace had descended. Aeryn whimpered, knowing the end had come. She clutched the bed railing, each finger wrapped around its own little bar so tightly, it was as white as the sheet on which death lay. Her breathing ceased as she tried to prepare herself for the inevitable. But, the inevitable never came; Miranda opened her eyes, blinked, and croaked for water.
Wide-eyed, Aeryn stared, unable to move, unable to respond.
“Water,” Miranda said again, through lips kept moist, over the last days, with Aeryn’s soft touch and a dollop of Vaseline.
“Mom?” Aeryn released the railing and snaked a shaky hand toward the green pitcher beaded with condensation. “You…you’re awake. I thought…Oh my God, I thought you were dead.”
“Well, that’s a mighty fine howdy-do.”
The pitcher tipped on its heel as Aeryn’s hand knocked against it. Reflexively, she grabbed it, though her gaze never veered from Miranda’s brightening eyes.
“Oh my God…I can’t believe,” she said, her voice dropping to a whisper. “It’s…I…oh my Lord…” Her words floundered, feeling like foreigners on her tongue. Her eyes shone, sparkling with tears too stunned to fall. “Mom, I can’t—”
“Girl, are you gonna get the water or what?”
Aeryn gave up her attempt at speech and poured. With the cup of cool liquid in hand, she moved to help Miranda lean forward, an action perfected during the past months. But her mom popped up without assistance, eased the cup—that shook as if it had been stricken with a severe case of Parkinson’s—from Aeryn, and drank.
Her thirst quenched, Miranda took sudden notice of her surroundings: the hospital bed and the curtain pulled back between her bed and the next, the roommate staring at her, the wall-mounted television, the antiseptic smells, the soft-voiced intercom announcements, the awe, the shock, the fright in her wide-eyed daughter.
Miranda’s gaze then turned to the stick-like arms poking from her night gown. Lifting the sheet covering her from the waist down, she saw a body too skinny to be hers. She emerged from her self-examination with an expression that mirrored Aeryn’s. “I—” she hesitated as if the mere utterance of the coming words would cause a relapse. “I was dying, right?”
Aeryn could only nod as she watched Miranda, near death moments before, revive right before her eyes.
“But, I feel fine; I don’t hurt. I see fine; everything’s clear, sharp.” She looked around in wonder. “Aeryn, I used to be a nurse. I know how sick I was. And now…”
As Aeryn jabbed repeatedly at the call button, as Miranda’s jaw slackened in awe, as they both tried to deal with this new reality, neither saw the roommate raise her pain-creviced face. Neither saw her listening. Neither saw her expression reflect a dawning understanding.
Hi Patricia:
Bravo for you! It is brave to post your baby on line for folks to goggle at, but it's a great way to grow as a writer. If you caught any of the Debut Author panel yesterday, there was quite a bit of conversation on how to develop who you are as an author.
I have copied and pasted your excerpt into Word and will work on it. Never fear, I'll get your precious back to you!
Anyone who posts an excerpt between now and ten tonight, I promise I'll give it proper attention, even if I have to spend some of tomorrow on it.
Hi, Dyanne and Joylynn. Glad you are finding things to like around here!
Well, after lesson one I'm realizing I've been head hopping a bit so I'm going to go back over what I've written and try some of the things you've suggested. This is really helpful to me in my first attempt at fiction. I love suspense, so I definately plan to read your books. Thank you for this great workshop.
Jill,
Another quick comment, I just made the mistake of reading the excerpts from your books on your site and now I won't sleep until I know what happens. I am absolutely addicted to these kinds of books and just those few paragraphs were enough to suck me in. lol. I'll be making this purchase tonight!
Hi Dyanne! I'm glad the excerpt grabbed you. Thanks a bunch!
Hey, Rudelle, I love the "mistakes" that attract new readers. I hope you enjoy the books. E-mail me from my web site with feedback.
I'm delighted you found this workshop helpful to you. Excellent blessings on your budding writing ministry. I hope to see something of yours in print one fine day.
Here you go, Patricia. I found lots to like. Don't be intimidated by the suggestions and corrections. They are yours to evaluate and accept or reject. You know your story, and you must be true to it. However, if there is anything that helps you grow in craft, grab it and run with it!
I have capitalized my suggestions/corrections in the text and placed comments in parentheses. On the internet, capitalization supposedly signifies yelling. I assure you, I'm not yelling at you. LOL.
Okay, here goes:
Butterflies winging about her insides, Shelby STOPPED OUTSIDE THE HOSPITALITY SUITE AT THE HILTON AND PRESSED A HAND AGAINST HER STOMACH. (This starts out nicely in Deep POV, but you need to give her something to do while she pauses. It doesn’t have to be what I suggested, but it seems unnatural for her to just stand there. Also, “before” is telling because it anticipates an action not yet taken and therefore breaks the POV. Before, after, etc. are also prepositions to watch as red flags to indicate telling.) HER PALM SLID ACROSS THE COOL SILK OF HER PALE YELLOW BLOUSE. IF ONLY SHE COULD SLIP AWAY FROM THIS AWKWARD EVENT AS SMOOTHLY, BUT SHE WAS PRETTY MUCH STUCK. (Don’t tell us the emotion when you can show it with a revealing remark that keeps us in Shelby’s head.) To keep the finalists under wrapS until the winner was announced, LWP Magazine had arranged to have a private dinner away from curious eyes.
She BRUSHED AT the NUBBY fabric of her eggplant-colored suit JACKET. Tara had insisted on helping her choose her outfit, as well as do her MAKEUP AND SWEEP HER HAIR UP IN A STYLE THAT DISPLAYED HER HIGH CHEEKBONES TO ADVANTAGE. She HAD fussed and resisted AT FIRST, but THANK GOODNESS she�d given in. AT LEAST SHE DIDN’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT SHOWING UP AT THIS GALA AS MS. FRUMP. SHELBY TOUCHED THE GOLD CHOKER AT HER NECK THAT MATCHED HER EARRINGS, ALSO CHOSEN BY TARA. TOO BAD SHE DIDN’T SHARE HER FRIEND’S EYE FOR THE TRENDY. SHE MIGHT FEEL MORE CONFIDENT. (Too much description all in one blob. I’ve spread it come of out a bit by way of example. This is still a little bit much of a pause for rumination. Perhaps you can trickle a little of the description over into whatever comes before or after.)
Sending her GAZE heavenward, SHELBY took a deep breath and walked in.
The room blazed with the colors of the magazine�s logo: red for Live, gold for Work, and blue for Play. WAS SHE THE LAST TO ARRIVE? Hard to tell. At least she wasn�t first. Making a grand entrance is not my thing. (I assume this is italicized in the manuscript. The direct thought works fine. Good job.)
A short, paunchy gentleman STRODE toward her, a wine glass in one hand and the other STRETCHED IN HER WAY. (eliminated waste words and added a stronger verb)
�Irving Waters, CEO of NuView Technologies.�
She accepted his handshake. �Shelby Sullivan, of Life Support.�
�Oh yes, the non-profit finalist.�
HAD SHE just been checked off, sort of like paper towels on a grocery list? (Turning a statement into a question is a wonderful way to transform telling into Deep POV. This is a cute analogy, by the way. Funny and perky and reader friendly. Things like this help your reader to like your heroine. Well done!)
�Excuse me?�
�You�re the not-for-profit organization. We�ve been trying to figure out what the criteria for selecting the contest finalistS might have been. So far, we�re a pretty eclectic bunch. There�s you and ME, the tech startup. (grammar correction) Then there�s the fashion company, the entertainment firm, the retail store, the money management whiz, and the sports agency. (Whiz represents a person, not an impersonal entity; therefore, it doesn’t fit with the rest of the list. You can reuse company, or you might go with organization.)
Did the rest of the finalists refer to one another by way of their businesses? Please God, don�t make me sit next to Mr. Tech Startup at dinner. (LOL. Another thought well done. I’m sure you have this in italics in the manuscript. It doesn’t show in the blog comment format. I see the quotation marks and apostrophes are goofed up, too. Blogger’s fault.)
�I see. Then I guess, yes, I�m the non-profit. Sounds like I may be the only one.�
�Yeah. I don�t know if that puts you at an advantage or disadvantage.� (Is “yeah” in keeping with this man’s officious personality?)
�For what? THE VIP LINE?� Shelby clamped her jaw shut. HER tongue sometimes movED faster than her brain, APPARENTLY a lot less concerned about TACT. (The retort needed to be a bit sharper and more meaningful, but otherwise excellent. Now I’m getting a feel for Shelby as a person, and I like her spunk. A nice move from the insecure person at the beginning of the scene.)
�For winning, of course.� He grabbed a champagne flute from THE TRAY OF a passing waiter and OFFERED IT to her.
(New paragraph.) SheLBY accepted it AND TOOK a sip. HER NERVES COULD USE THE FORTIFICATION. From anxious to irritated in less than sixty seconds. THAT HAD TO BE SOME KIND OF RECORD. (See how I’m keeping the character voice? Also, she can’t accept the flute and drink from it simultaneously. One action must follow the other. The “ing” parenthetical phrase made the actions simultaneous.)
�I wouldn�t know. I assume we all have an equal chance of winning.�
�Probably, probably. But sometimes it helps to figure out all the angles. With this dinner and photo shoot, I�m guessing we still have an opportunity to influence the outcome.� (Could you have him wink right after the first sentence, or do some other annoying mannerism like a hee-haw laugh to enhance the tension, as well as insert a beat that will indicate the speaker?)
ANOTHER RETORT FORMED ON HER LIPS, BUT Mr. Tech Startup MADE a BEELINE TOWARD a rail thin woman about SHELBY’s height WHO HAD JUST STROLLed into the room. Thank God! (Italics, I assume. They are needed with the previous exclamation.) She exhaled and chuckled to herself as she overheard, �So you�re the fashion company��
A few minutes later, she found herself listening in on a conversation between several out-of-town finalists about security-related travel woes. Positioned so she could take in the entire room, she noticed a tall gentleman standing at the front of the room, behind one of several long, rectangular tables, addressing a member of the hotel staff. His back had faced her when she entered but now as he turned around, she gasped.
(This last paragraph appears pivotal to the story, and yet it’s written almost exclusively in shallow “telling”) POV. Below is a suggested rewrite. All my suggestions are merely that. Use them as you see fit.)
A few minutes later, she’d positioned herself so she could view the entire room from an unnoticed corner. Nearby, several out-of-town finalists rattled on about the inconveniences of airport security. Her gaze wandered away from them and fastened on a tall gentleman, standing at the front of the room beyond one of several long, rectangular tables. He was speaking with a uniformed member of hotel staff. The man’s hand chopped the air, and the staffer scurried away. That sharp gesture. Something familiar. The man turned in her direction. Shelby gasped.
(My rewrite above uses shallow POV to summarize activity that sets up the action, but then moves more and more into Deep POV as the critical moment approaches. This is one way to build tension in a reader-pleasing way. Notice also the choppy sentence fragments right at the momen of discovery. Another author ploy to enhance tension.)
Nice job, Patricia. Hope this wasn't too painful.
And, class, I hope you also found some nuggets to take away, thanks to Patricia's courage in stepping forward with her WIP segment.
What's the title of this story, btw?
Anyone else want to play?
Hi, Kathy. I'll work on your excerpt next. Thanks for making the brave move!
Ok, Rudelle here. I'm submitting chapter 2 from my WIP. The tentative title is "Shattered".
CHAPTER 2
Stormie lay in bed thinking about what had happened just a few short weeks ago. Her life had been turned upside down. She had to figure out how to put all of this behind her and go on with her life. She felt twenty years old instead of twelve and it felt like the weight of the world was on her shoulders. She just wanted to feel normal again. God why did you let this happened to me? What did I do to deserve it? The tears began to stream down Stormie’s face as she thought about that day…
“Keke he’s here,” Stormie whispered into the phone excitedly. “You should see him, he is so cute. He’s in Georgie’s room. They’re lifting weights or something.”
“Did he say anything to you? Did he look at you? Tell me everything Stormie.” Keke was Stormie’s best friend and they had no secrets. They told each other everything.
“He just said ‘what’s up’ when they walked by my room. And he smiled at me,” she shrieked, giggling. She sighed and looked around dreamily. “Keke, someday he’s going to notice me.”
“Stormie he’s three years older than you. Boys like him don’t notice girls like us. You know that. Anyway, my mom’s calling me, I gotta go. I’ll see you in school tomorrow ok? Bye,” Keke hung up the phone.
“Bye.”
Stormie turned her music up and began to sing along to the song that was playing as she put the phone back on the hook. She didn’t hear him come into her room and shut the door. She screamed and jumped as he put his hands on her shoulders and turned to face him. Oh my God, I can’t believe he is in my bedroom. “Wha-,” Derrick Waters cut her off, placing a finger over her lips, signaling her to be quiet. “What are you doing in here?”
“I just wanted to talk to you. I think you’re cute. I saw you in the hall today at school. Your dress fit real nice.” Derrick tilted her chin up so that she was gazing into his eyes. “Can I kiss you?”
His eyes mesmerized Stormie. He had begun to slide his hands down over her breast and she quickly stepped back, a little afraid . He was making her feel very uncomfortable and she started to get nervous. “I...I...what if someone comes in?”
“Nobody’s here but Georgie and he’s talking to a girl on the phone. He won’t come in. Come on let me kiss you. You know I really like you.” Derrick pulled her close to him again.
Stormie had dreamed of this day for months. She couldn’t believe that Derrick Waters was in her bedroom telling her that he liked her. She relaxed a little and he put his arms around her and kissed her softly on the lips. She was so caught up in the moment she didn’t notice him easing her towards the bed. She tried to push him back as he began lowering her onto the bed, but she couldn’t. “No.” She struggled harder to get back up. “No, let me up,” she whispered loudly. Oh my God what is he doing? Oh God what should I do?
Derrick knew he was too heavy for her to push him off her. He knew she had a big crush on him. When he saw her in the dress at school, looking like a church girl but sexy, he decided that he was going to get some of her. “Ssh! Don’t worry I’m not going to hurt you. I’ll be gentle I promise,” he said while nudging her dress up with his knee. He covered her mouth with one hand and pulled her panties down with the other. He began to breath rapidly as he felt her nakedness and hurriedly unzipped his pants.
Oh no. Oh God no. Why is he doing this? Stormie thought about screaming but the thought that her brother would walk in and see her like this was too embarrassing so she didn’t say anything. She just kept trying to push him off of her. She didn’t know what else to do. Just then, she felt a sharp pain in her privates. Oh my God what is he doing to me? Stormie felt the sharp pain again and she thought she would faint. She felt him moving on top of her and in a few minutes, he jumped up, pulled up his pants and left quickly, closing the door behind him. Stormie jumped up and pulled her panties up in a panic. “Oh God!” Stormie said aloud as leaned against the door.
Her heart was beating so hard and fast she could hear it. There was a burning pain in her privates and she needed to use the bathroom. She opened her door and looked out into the hallway. Her brother’s door was shut so she ran into the bathroom before anybody could see her. When she pulled her panties down she saw the blood and began to panic even more. “Something is wrong with me! Why am I bleeding?” Stormie was shouting inside of her head. She thought she was losing her mind. She knew she could never tell anyone what happened and she wondered if people would be able to tell she was different now when they looked at her. She felt so dirty. She felt like…such a bad girl! She resolved to act as if nothing had happened around her family and friends and to avoid Derrick Waters at all costs. If what just happened was sex, Stormie didn’t want any parts of it ever again. She didn’t understand why people would ever want to do it or why they acted so crazy about it. All she knew was that she would never be the same again.
The heaviness of what happened to Stormie weighted heavily on her heart and mind for what seemed like an eternity even though it had only been a few weeks since that dreadful day. She couldn’t believe that she’d let it happen at all. She should have screamed or fought harder or did something. It was all her fault for not stopping him. Wiping her tears, she began to pray. “Dear Lord, forgive me for what I did. I know I should have stopped him and I didn’t. I’m sorry God. Please help me to put that day behind me. Help me to forget that it ever happened. Help me not to be pregnant God and please don’t let anybody ever find out. Amen.” She turned on her side and closed her eyes.
--------------
Rudelle Thomas
Rudelle, Kathy, I'm going over your scenes. I don't know if I'll have them posted yet tonight. I have a conference call at 8:30 CT, which may go long. If you don't see my responses tonight, check back tomorrow. I'll be on-line anyway as a member of the Meet the Christian Author panel.
Hi Jill,
My name is Artkim but everyone calls me AK. I love your workshop. Great information. I'm currently finishing up a short story as well as working on a paranormal romance. I write with a writing partner. I really have to go back and look at the words you said tell more than show. Right now that seems to be our biggest problem. We don't have POV issues but just choosing the right words so we are showing the reader and not telling them the story.
How can we improve that aspect of our writing?
AK
Hi, AK. Deep POV and show/don't tell overlap so completely that fixing one seems to also fix the other. Review the tips and examples I've shown above, apply the lessons, and many of your "telling" problems will disappear. You can also submit a couple of pages for me to look over and critique for POV, show/don't tell, and any other issues I spot.
I'll be off-line for a while now because I'm participating in a conference call, but will check back again later tonight.
Thanks for stopping by the workshop.
Jill
http://www.jillelizabethnelson.com
Thank you Jill for this very informative workshop. I definitely see where I need to improve my manuscripts.
To the brave ladies who posted their excerpts. Thank you, I've learned from you all too.
They each made me want to read more and that's what you want from a reader.
Hi Jill,
Thought I'd participate here in Assignment for Lesson 3. Ok. As you suggested, firstly, here is an extract from Francine Rivers novel, And The Shofar Blew:
"I should've kept my mouth shut so I could've enjoyed the rest of the concert. What were you playing?"
"A little of this and that"
"Never heard of it."
She wish she didn't blush so easily. "And likely never will again."
"Ah. You make it up as you go."
"I recognized a lot of it, but not hte last portion. Who wrote that music?"
"I can't remember." She looked away and opened the book of music on the stand.
"Sure you do. You're just too shy to say it came from you."
So I'd say the above is a good eg of Deep POV firstly because the subtle actions of the woman blushing, shrugging shows the man who is talking to her makes her nervous. As for the man, while we are not in his POV at all, his words alone tell us he is deliberately being personal with her even though he is not familiar with her.
Same book different example of a not so good DEEP POV:
She'd never met a more disturbing man. "I've never finished anything, if you want to know."
COMMENT: "SHE'D NEVER MET A MORE DISTURBING MAN" NOT NECESSARY TO BE SAID.
"Why not? You don't strike me as someone who would give up easily."
She tried to think of a response quickly. "I haven't given up." She'd put it aside. Paul [HER HUSBAND] needed her. Timmy [HER SON] needed her. "There's just no time right now. Someday. Maybe."
"When your husband's retired from the ministry and your son's grown-up and moved away?"
AS THE MAN SHE IS TALKING TO HAS ALREADY MADE THIS COMMENT, THERE IS NO NEED FOR THIS TO BE STATED ABOVE AS PART OF HER INTERNAL THOUGHTS.
OK. MY ASSIGNMENT DONE. :)
Thanks for participating, Shoba. Keep that thinking cap on as you continue to read books. You can learn a lot simply from watching what works, and what doesn't, in the stories you read. Those nuggets can be invaluable in our own writing.
Jill
http://www.jillelizabethnelson.com
Thanks Jill,
I love this workshop. Only wish I could keep up with the pace. It seems by the time I get back to it the class is over. LOL.
I will go over your lessons carefully and everyone's comments slowly later. Thats the best part of an online workshop. We can replay in slow motion later. LOL
Thanks again, Jill.
Kathy, I will use the same markings with your scene as I did with Pat’s. Any suggested changes I make in the manuscript will be in all caps. Any comments will be in parentheses. As always, I remind the writers I critique that this is your story. You are free to accept or reject my suggestions, but I hope you find something helpful to your craft development. Thanks for participating in this workshop!
Jill
http://www.jillelizabethnelson.com
Scene 1
Just days after her mother’s miraculous recovery, fifty-five year old Aeryn Alexander forced herself to question the remarkable rally. Had it been the miracle many had claimed? Had it been the spontaneous act others had maintained? Had it been the medical mystery the doctors hadn’t been able to explain? Or had it been something else?
(Your first and last paragraphs in this story are written in omniscient point of view. See Lesson One for my comments on omniscient POV. It is impossible to do Deep POV from this perspective. I recommend that you delete the above paragraph entirely, and work this material into the story as the action unfolds and it becomes logical for the character to begin to wrestle with these weighty questions. You may be trying to use this paragraph as a teaser to intrigue the reader. It actually has the opposite affect. Start below with your character in her “ordinary world” and then draw her into the adventure of the story by the subsequent events. An excellent book for any writer to study in regard to story structure is The Writer’s Journey: Mythic Structure for Writers by Christopher Vogler.)
AERYN trudged toward the Bedford Nursing Home. A hot September BREEZE mussED her hair. BROWN GRASS EDGED THE SIDEWALK, gone too long without rain. DRIED UP, LIKE HER, TOO LONG WITHOUT HOPE. (Any time you say a character didn’t notice something you’re no longer in Deep POV. You’ve inserted narrative distance big-time. Instead, I used imagery within parallel sentence structure to evoke Aeryn’s feelings, convey setting details, and build tension.)
She reached the front door and tugged at it, BUT HER ARM WENT WEAK AND FELL AWAY. WHY DID SHE EVEN BOTHER TO GO IN THERE WHEN MOM WASN’T AWARE OF HER AND MIGHT ALREADY BE . . . AERYN GULPED. HOW COULD SHE NOT? SHE JERKED the glass portal toward her. A pungent odor—not rank, just laden with death-in-waiting—rushed her senses, and she PANTED short breaths. Her stomach clenched. (The deleted phrase was a bit over the top. You don’t want your reader to be jerked to a halt over some fancy wording. The smell and the tummy clench was enough.)
Aeryn plodded TOWARD the nurses’ station but no attendants sat BEHIND THE DESK doing WHATEVER THEY DID. WAS THERE SOME EMERGENCY? HER MOM? (Note how questions can keep readers in the mind of the POV character. A major tool in maintaining Deep POV.) AERYN’S PACE QUICKENED, THEN SLOWED AS she neared her mom’s room. Hunching her shoulders and crossing her arms over her chest, she trembled like death had tickled her with cold fingers. (I’m leaving this last sentence, but again you’re flirting with purple prose.)
MAYBE THE FEELING SHE’D HAD WHEN SHE WOKE UP THIS MORNING WAS TRUE. That today would be the day. The day her mom would LIE (grammar correction) dead. (“dead in her bed” rhymed and was distracting) WOULD she cross the threshold and find another patient occupying the bed? HAD MOM been taken to the funeral home during the night, and her none the wiser? AERYN DREW HERSELF UP. RIDICULOUS THOUGHT. She’d have to be contacted before any of that could happen. THEN WHY didn’t the fear GO AWAY?
Aeryn FORCED A TINY ALMOST SILENT STEP THROUGH the door. HER MOM LAY in bed, still attached to her morphine drip, still alive. (I know you want to give the mom’s name to the reader, but Aeryn would not think Miranda, so you can’t do it this way if you want to stay in Deep POV. I suggest you write in some interaction between Aeryn and the staff somewhere in the scene. Maybe a nurse could pop in for a brief visit. Not only will it provide dialogue to break up the long narrative, but you can insert Mom’s given name, as well as other details pertinent to Miranda’s condition. You will also have the opportunity to express some of Aeryn’s distress verbally, rather than all internally.)
Relief surged through her, and her arms unfolded, her shoulders slumping. She pulled a plastic chair close to HER MOTHER’S bed and sat with closed eyes, unmoving, barely breathing.
* * * * * * * *
Okay, I’m going to stop with the rewrites here. I’ll just start repeating myself. If you apply the principals I’ve demonstrated so far, you’ll bring the manuscript up to the next level of craft. Since I don’t have your synopsis, I don’t know where you’re going with the story, but there is lots of potential for wonderful things. Keep applying yourself. Enjoy weaving your tale. Write from the heart. And though the writer’s road can be hard at times, the ones who succeed are the ones who don’t quit.
Jill:
Thanks so much for your feedback. Priceless!
I got everything you said. The biggies for me were first, what I call "watch-out" words--before, after, knew, realize, noticed, aware, "ing" verbs--words that are telling more than showing and take the reader out of the character's point of view.
Then, one way to change telling into deep POV is to turn it into a question.
Finally, one thing you commented on that I was uncertain about was the direct thought. It seems natural to me when I'm writing but then when I re-read what I've written I worry that I've broken some rule, maybe switching POV and confusing the reader. These comments are completely in the character's head (and yes, I italicized them in my ms).
Can you say a bit more about this? When is okay and when might it be a problem?
Again, thanks. I really appreciate your insights.
Patricia
Hi, Patricia:
Glad you found my comments helpful. You have a lovely story going there. Many strengths!
In my opinion, you did just fine with the direct thoughts. I only put in the question about italics because the formatting didn't show up in the Blogger text, and I wanted to be sure you knew those lines should be italicized.
You shouldn't have any trouble with reader confusion between Deep POV and an actual thought as long as the italics are properly used. Sure, they can be overused, but I had no problem with the way you did it.
Hope that answers your question.
Excellent blessings on your ministry in writing!
Jill
http://www.jillelizabethnelson.com
Hi, Rudelle:
Sorry it’s taken me so long to get to this. I seem to have an overabundance of irons in the fire this week.
My main suggestion for this scene is to rewrite it in real time, as the events actually occur. Let the reader see your characters in action with an abundance of dialogue and relationship conflict unfolding before their eyes. Much of the power is stolen from a heart-wrenching experience by hearing about it in retrospect.
That said, I’ve rewritten a few of your existing paragraphs in Deep POV just by way of demonstration on how to do it. I hope you find something helpful to you.
I love your title, by the way. Very appropriate and ear-catching.
CHAPTER 2
Stormie lay in bed, STARING AT THE CEILING. A LONELY WIND RATTLED HER WINDOW PANES AND WHINED AROUND THE CORNERS OF THE HOUSE. (Note how a simple setting detail can add to the angst and provide a framework for readers to envision the main character’s surroundings.) SO THIS IS WHAT IT FELT LIKE TO BE AN OLD WOMAN AT TWELVE YEARS OF AGE. WOULD NORMAL EVER HAVE MEANING FOR HER AGAIN? (I kept the gist of what you said, but deepened the POV and stripped away excess words.)
God, why did you let this happened to me? What did I do to deserve it? (Be sure these sentences are in italics as direct thoughts. Can you insert some of Stormie’s voice into these questions? Otherwise, they tend toward the cliché.)
Tears TRICKLED down Stormie’s face, AND HER HANDS BALLED INTO FISTS. SHE HAD TO FIND A WAY TO GET THROUGH ANOTHER DAY, BUT HOW? DERRICK STOLE HER LIFE, AND YET HE ACTED LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED.
(Using questions to express Stormie’s inner turmoil keeps us deep in her head. Also, adding anger to her sorrow seems an appropriate reaction and mixes up a stronger conflict. Your main character is more appealing if she shows spunk in the midst of anguish.)
* * * * * *
As I said, I don’t want to go too far into reworking the existing scene, because I think you’re going to want to rewrite it from scratch. You can still use many of the basic details, but do the scene in real time and use the Deep POV techniques taught in this workshop.
Also, watch the head-hopping from Stormie to Derrick and back again. Stay in Stormie’s head through the whole scene. If appropriate to the story, you can do Derrick’s POV in another scene. However, don’t bother with a scene in Derrick’s POV unless he’s going to continue to be a major player in the book.
I hope I haven’t overwhelmed you. This is very normal in the writing biz. We write and rewrite and rewrite; hopefully, deepening our skills each time. You have a story concept with a lot of potential to engage reader interest and keep them turning the pages. One of my top words of advice for growing writers is persevere, persevere, persevere!
What the Lord calls us to do, He also equips us to accomplish . . . but that often means a ton of effort to go with it, even after you’re published. ;-)
Excellent blessings on your writing ministry! Thanks for participating in this workshop.
Jill
http://www.jillelizabethnelson.com
Jill, thanks so much for the feedback. I agree I will rewrite from scratch. I'm new to fiction writing so I'm trying to learn from the best, which I think you are definately one of. This is an excellent workshop and I've learned alot that I will apply as I write and rewrite again, I'm sure. Thank you again for the feedback.
Rudelle Thomas
DIVINE ELOQUENCE MAGAZINE
You have a super, teachable attitude, Rudelle, and that will take you far in this biz!
If I've contributed in any way to your writer's journey, I'm honored.
The same goes for anyone who attended the workshop. Thank you all for being a great group!
Excellent Blessings,
Jill
http://www.jillelizabethnelson.com
Thanks so much, Jill. Your rewrites really gave me insight to deep POV. I appreciate you taking the time to do this. I've got my highlighter in hand; I'm ready to go through the rest of my scenes with your rewrites in front of me.
Also thanks for the compliment on what you could see of my plot.
Kathy
You're welcome, Kathy.
Best of blessings,
Jill
http://jillelizabethnelson.com
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